Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
You Might Also Like
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP