Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship