Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

“Did you read the fine print?”

Me: I didn’t even read the large print

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

What do you text your spouse?

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.