ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on