ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
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It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Simple enough.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Dumplings,
