Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
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Human are so complicated
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
💀🤣
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
