Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
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My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.