Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
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I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
If only
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works