Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
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Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
The best plant holders?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Breaking news:
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.