Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

My teenage children choosing violence

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.