Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.