Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
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If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I wouldn’t.”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.