Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

You got this…

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.