Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
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One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house