Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
You Might Also Like
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”