Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
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Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
RT if you could go either way.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes: