Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here

3 yr old: no

Me: you just want bare feet?

3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

I have two kinds of followers

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.