Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
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the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.