Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

Sure. Why not?

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

😂😂😂

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

Me too 😆

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT