Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
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Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.