Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

What if all the cashiers are married?

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.