ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
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This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
#parenting
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half