ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

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This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.


Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”


Me: Everything isn’t about you.


Retweet this and you’ll go to heaven. Yes, the standards are now that low.


My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.


Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*


My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory


The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.


Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?


Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?


Me: Beer.