ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?