Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence