Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!