ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe