ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
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Oh my God.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
feetloaf
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character