Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

Strangers have the best candy.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”