ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
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Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.