ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
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A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
NASA has no chill
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update