Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

He’s cranky this morning

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.