me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
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turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
How do you like your Corgi?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.