Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd