Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

Tuesday

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.