Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee