Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Trains are just sideway elevators.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
absolute chaos
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
