Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

Brilliant!

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

“We will wed,” I threatened

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t