Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
You Might Also Like
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
watching gymnastics
Nice try, NASA
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.