Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
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“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon