Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

she has a point

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

I’m giving up ice.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

Breaking news:

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.