Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it