Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
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When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.