Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

don’t be scared

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.