Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

💀😭

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it