Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.