Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

accurate

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side