Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant