Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right