Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

Good morning

I went from rags to one rag.

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?