Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

12. I think about this all the damn time

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.