me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I cannot call her anything else now
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this