me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?