me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Why is no one talking about this?!
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
