Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

WWE is French for “yes”

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

Holy shit he’s back

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.