Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

My guardian angel deserves a raise

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.