Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

Best mom ever 😂

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.