Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
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I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
the red hot silly peppers
Who called it baking and not making love
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?