Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
When ur friends with white people
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.