Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

This raises questions

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

subtitles are so good nowadays

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”