Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

I thought this was funny lol

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is