Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

Who’s ready for Friday?!

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon