Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.