Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity