Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

My work here is done

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded