Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
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“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Good point.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.