Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I put the mess in domestic.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.