ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
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When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
my favorite gender
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.