ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
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Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito