Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

as the prophecy foretold

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

The struggle is real

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]