Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Finally, an instrument I can play!

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

We’ve come full circle

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.