Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One