Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?