Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
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hardest line in real life
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.